Wounded and Bitter

I am almost certain that I had rather be wounded physically than to be wounded emotionally. I would bet my farm if I had one that several reading this post has been or is now suffering because someone has hurt you and left you devastated. You are bitter and are having revengeful thoughts toward the one who has wounded you. You are not liking who you are becoming. You are miserable and have lost your joy. Sleep does not come easy because in anger you lie awake rehashing what you should have done or should have said to that offending person. These feeling won't easily go away.

I know because I’ve been in that situation. I was attacked verbally, lies were spoken about me, and false rumors were told. I was wounded deeply by people who I had considered my friends, good people, Christian people, leaders of the church where I pastored. They became vicious in their attacks and for over a year I took their abuse. I finally left the church physically ill, hurt, angry and bitter. I was not only upset with those few members of the church who wounded me, but I was upset with God. I was so angry that God would allow something like this to happen to me. I told him I would never preach again, and I didn’t for almost two years. I ran away from God, until I came to a place where I had to decide to either stop running or end my life. I was dangerously depressed. Long periods of anger and bitterness will do that to a person.

Something happened one day which got my attention. Early on a Tuesday morning, September 11, 2001 I walked into my classroom where my students were sitting quietly with their eyes fixed on the TV. I looked to see what had uncharacteristically captured their attention. What I saw was like a bad dream; the second plane flown by the Islamic terrorist was crashing into the World Trade Center. Like everyone else in America I was shocked. I couldn’t believe what was happening and was even more disturbed as I watched the continuing horror of the day. That attack was responsible for the deaths of almost three thousand innocent people.

Several teachers gathered in the teacher’s lounge at lunchtime. Some were crying and no one had much to say. We had just learned who had taken responsibility for the attack. A few comments were made about how evil and how cowardly these men were. I said, “How can anyone be consumed by so much anger and bitterness that they would do something like this?” No more had I gotten those words out of my mouth than I was given the answer to my question, but I was the only one who heard it. That answer could not have been any clearer if God had shouted it for all to hear. The answer that echoed in my mind was, ‘ The anger and bitterness in the hearts of these men is the same anger and bitterness that you have for me and for those who hurt you. And that anger and bitterness comes from the very pit of hell.’ I have no doubt that God spoke to me that day. This scared me because it had been a long time since I had heard anything from God.

I went home that afternoon and I began to pray. I stopped my running long enough to ask God to forgive me, but I had no peace. I continued to ask for forgiveness, one day, two days, but no peace came. Spiritually I had run myself into a deserted place. My soul was dry. I was alone. I was afraid. I won’t go into all that happened, but on Thursday, the beginning of the third day that I pleaded for a word of forgiveness I had a break through. Prayer services were held in many churches across our country, and I took off from teaching that day so that I could go to the one at the church where I attended occasionally. It was there that I finally got the peace that I feared I would never know again. Still in that dry deserted place where I had been for so long I continued to pray for forgiveness . In that moment as I sat in the pew, even before the service began Jesus came along as the good Shepherd searching for his lost sheep. He put his arms around me and he said, “I forgive you.” Figuratively, that is how I perceived it.  I am not one who cries very often, but at that moment I began to weep, uncontrollably, sobbing. I couldn’t stop. I’m not sure what those sitting near me thought, but people I didn’t even know ministered to me in kindness and love.

Holding on to anger, bitterness and resentment is the worst thing a person can do. Anger and bitterness destroys and takes away our joy. Jesus forgave me, and therefore, I forgave those who hurt me although they, except for one, never asked me to forgive them. The only way that we can know peace after being hurt by some one is to forgive. The only way we can forgive is to allow Jesus to heal the wounds inflicted by those who hurt us. Don’t run away from God. Don’t blame God for the bad that happens to you. If we run from him we run toward the evil one who wants only to destroy us. Who better to go to than Jesus, the wounded Healer.